The color of Peace

An email I just sent to a friend of mine got me to thinking. I was describing just how amazing it looks up here today. It started snowing last night sometime and still has not stopped. Those of you who really know me will know just how much I love the snow. I hate to be outside in the summer time but love to be outside during the winter. Go figure. When it snows like this, you are stuck at home with only the snow and your family to entertain you. I could stand and stare at the snow falling from the sky for hours. The feeling and color of peace is amazing. I know that the snow does not bring peace to everyone, right Mom? But it does to me. The color of the sky when it is spilling snow and the feeling of quiet and stillness even though the world is moving so quickly around you. Even the snow is moving but it makes me feel like time has "frozen" or stopped. Giving me a moment to take a deep breath, taking in the smell of the fresh snow and the new air. I do not want to remember my science class from High School that tells me just what snow is really made of, it would ruin the moment. But then again it reminds you of a knowledge from before. Maybe this is why it is my color for peace? It reminds me that no matter how horrible or "dirty" things get, with the pure love of Christ or in the case of snow, a cloud, it can once again be white and beautiful. I have been struggling with the people here and the lack of hope that is in this town. I was raised always knowing that there was hope for something different. Even in my darkest moments, I knew there was something different. Even if I was looking for the wrong different. But the people of this town are not even looking for anything different. I have a hard time with that. I don't understand it. So the snow is a blessing for me. The color of the snow and the sky of grayish white. The shadows of the mountains in the clouds and the red, cold faces around me. Even the shadows in the white color of tire tracks. Just what color is that? All I know is that it is MY color of peace. I only hope you find your own.

O to be six again

I went to into Dylan's room to check on him before I went to bed the other night and this is what I found. At first it did not dawn on me what I was seeing, until I started to wonder where Rufus was. Where was his head? All I could see was his butt and tail. Do you realize that Eric and I have spent money on nice pillows and pillow cases that match the sheets and this boy chooses to sleep on the dog. The dog that has not had a bath in all the time we have known him. He is afraid of water, yes I know, a lab afraid of water!!?

This boy and this dog sleep like this a lot I take it and from the looks of it, neither one minds it. Wouldn't you think that the dog would have a hard time breathing? Just where is his head anyway? Doesn't Dylan get a kink in his neck from sleeping on him like that? I understand that it is warm but please! That dog rolls in stinky stuff from the neighbors yard and if that was not enough! That little boy plays in mud and other things that his mother does not want to think about. Neither of these two mind.

Either way, some days I wish I was six and had a big old dog to sleep on again. Feeling that warmth of his body and feeling him breathing in and out. And knowing that nothing could hurt me with him right there, scaring away monsters or mom's with their cameras. (That is the dirtiest look Rufus has. My flash woke him up, but not Dylan.) Is there anything more convenient to have than a dog that will serve as a face cleaner and a pillow? Let alone a protector, I think not.

Reasons

Have you ever seen someone doing something that just does not make sense to you? Maybe those people that you see riding their bikes on the side of the freeway. Or those who are so worried about something that has no meaning for you at all? And you wonder to yourself what is their problem? Why are they getting so involved with something that makes no sense? Why do they do those things? I am one of those people that wonders why people run every morning and don't eat desserts. But I have discovered that there are those who wonder about me. I know!! Go figure right? Why does she takes pictures that no one will ever buy? Why does she walk up that mountain every day when she knows she will probably never lose any more weight? Why doesn't she use her tongue beating ability on those who so rightly deserve it every time!? Why does she dance in the street on her way down the mountain she has just climbed up? And then wave at the people who drive by her? So here is your big chance, I am going to let you in on some of the reasons that people do some of the things they do. I will not be able to tell you why people ride their bikes on the side of the freeway though. That one is just TOO weird even for me to explain. I'll start with the easy ones; people worry about things that makes no sense to give them something to do. Yes it is like rocking in a rocking chair. It takes you no where but it gives you something to do. Why do people run every morning? I can give a little insight to that one, but if you want more detail, ask Ginger. She understands it better than I do, I am just a walker. Yes, a street walker. (Te he he) GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!! Man!! I started walking to keep from crying in front of my family once we moved up here and kept walking past the crying because I started feeling the strength in my legs again. And was fascinated with the way my body was made. How without even thinking about it, my arms swung the opposite way that my legs were going. You know, right arm, left leg? And how my knees knew how high to pull my leg up to step over that rock. Maybe it is part of my awakening from the pits of hell that makes me pay attention to these things. Even as I sit here typing this, I remember wishing that people that had gone thru the same things as me had written more of the horrible things to help me through it all. But now that I am on the "other side" I can't. I can only write about the things that I am going through now. Maybe in my own way giving some one that light at the end of the tunnel. So back to what I was talking about. I enjoy feeling my body work that way, so I take it for a walk every morning, over the mountains. Feeling the strength in my legs and I punch at the air in front of me to feel the strength in my arms. Feeling amazed that after all the years of me abusing my body by not doing anything with it, it still (almost) springs to take me over the mountain. It helps to remind me of what my Father in Heaven has done for me. He has made a body that works so amazingly that it almost thinks for itself. Breath in, breath out. Blink eye lids, pick up leg, swing arms, SNEEZE!! Which brings me to why I take pictures knowing that the only person who will buy my pictures is Jeremiah even though I have told him several times that he does not have to pay for them, only ask for them. Which puts him in with the group of those people who ride their bikes by the side of the freeway. Something strange, but fun to see. I know that one of the ways I can repay my Father in Heaven for the things he has given me is to tell people about Him. But I have learned over the years that I have been alive (21) that some people will not listen unless you distract them with something else, like pictures. Now your getting it!!! So I take pictures and try to make them look as beautiful as He makes the real thing look. Some days I come somewhat close and other days it doesn't work at all. But I enjoy the sound of that clicking so much that I keep doing it none the less. Hoping that I am not making a fool of myself in His eyes and making what He has made so amazing look horrible. So whether or not anyone buys them, I hope they just look at them and maybe see what I see in them. Prove that our Father in Heaven loves each and everyone of us so much that he made this place look so amazing that I get my big fanny up everyday to take it up the mountain.

If you look close at the one up there, you can see the sun. Yes, my eyes hurt for a little while after this one.

All ways look for the signs to tell you where to go. Even if you want to only look at the beautiful clouds in front of you. There is a barb wire fence that would not look pretty wrapped around your body just behind that sign.

This is the way I see my view in the morning. Almost if I didn't turn the corner at the top, I would just walk into the clouds and then who knows where. But below is the way it really looks. I dare say just as amazing, right? I only hope that I am doing it justice.

Something to ponder.

I forgot to mention this a few days ago, so here it is. Last week on the return trip of my walk I saw something that made me go, hum? So I figured I would share it. As you all know, I live in Huntington. A town that people come to to go hunting. Thus, Huntington, use to be known as Hunting Town. Someone dropped the the space and the "W". Not sure why. I have always liked the letter "W" and my space but I digress. I was passed by a truck full of hunters on their way back from, you guess it, hunting. From the view I got of the back of the truck not a successful trip for there was nothing in it. But I am told that not all trips hunting are for killing something but for "tracking" something. Which leads to my pondering thought. As they passed me and began their return trip into town, Rufus made notice of some deer CLEAR up on the mountain top. Watching the truck leave the mountains. As it did, the deer started to turn and go back into the mountains. But of course one of them noticed me waving at them like a crazy woman and turned just enough to give a look that said, "Lady so help me if those hunters notice you waving at us and turn around! We will no longer leave your precious flowers that you baby so much alone any more and they will be recycled in your yard by morning. Are we understanding each other?" At least that is what I got from the look, you may have gotten something different but you were not there and so you have to just take my word for it don't you? Jeez! So I started to wonder if with all the technology we have for hunting, I know, I have been inside a Cabela's before. Do we really think we are out smarting an animal that lives in the mountains all year long. Getting advice from the ones that have survived hunting season after hunting season as to how to hide. We may be able to make ourselves look like the surroundings and smell like something they like and even sound like them. But who is tracking who?

WHISTLE! WHISTLE! Did you see that?!

As a young girl, I have always wanted to be one of those girls who turned heads. It never happened for me. In fact, boys and men would drop their eyes to the floor. So my dreams of being a head turner, I thought were gone. Being married for almost 16 years now, gone. The man I married wouldn't even look at me when we were dating! He says it is because girls scared him. First of all, I was not a girl and second, Liar! Any who! Today on my walk, it happened! I made the FedEx guy look twice!!!! I know it wasn't because of my size because even at my biggest, (240- 245, I stopped weighing myself at 240) I was not getting those kinds of looks. It MUST be because of my hotness. I posted pics so all of you could see it. It was my hotness right? It had to be! It could not be because I have a nice looking...... dog! Or that he liked my hat! For he could not see it from behind me. You can only see the BSU thingy from the front and he was coming up from behind me and looked at me as he passed and I know I saw him look at me in his side mirror AND THEN AGAIN as he twisted himself in his seat to get another look! Poor man must not get out much. (Get it? FedEx guy that doesn't get out much? Come on! Work with me here! Jeez!) I must admit that my outfit on a normal walk does not particularly match. I must stop myself for one minute because after I just used that word, most of you must be wondering how I spelled it correctly. Knowing me as you all do as a HORRIBLE speller. OK! I admit that I open another tab as I post and it is google.com and I type in the words I want to use and it gives me a list of words that it thinks I want and I chose the word and make sure it is spelled right by checking the definition. See! I just did it again on that word. I know, I'm cheating. But it works and NONE of you would have known any better if I had not just told you. Admit it! Anyway! Today's outfit matched right down to my new shoes that I bought. I looked all over the Internet looking for shoes that would help me in my new walking atmosphere (did it again) of mountains and walking up hills both ways. My old walking Ryka's just were not cutting it and I was getting blisters from the movement of my feet in the shoes that I have had for almost a year. Not good. So I took Eric's advice and I started looking for trail running shoes. Not cheap! Trail shoes for the rocks and such and the running for the snug fit for going up hills and down the other side. Not for the running part. Angie does not run! That is part of the reason I take Rufus with me. He is too nosey to run from something and while he is snooping around it, I have a chance to get away from it. That and if I was to run people would think weird things like: "The world must be ending for that lady to be running!" or, "That right there is just sad and maybe quite painful." Things like that, so I just don't run. And I also have a bad knee, right? But the shoes I found are pretty amazing. They hug my feet so there is no moving of my feet. Even thou I had to take my toe rings off that I have worn for six years. The things we give up for fashion huh? And no one looks at my feet anymore anyway, so why not? But back to the reason for this post. The poor FedEx guy and his sprained neck. Maybe the real reason he looked twice was to see if I was having a conniption fit because as we all know, I am not into really caring what people think of me any more and besides, up here there are not too many people anyway. So I was enjoying myself and celebrating the fact that I made it up the natural elliptical machine again by dancing and wiggling my fanny to the music that was playing in my ears. Not hearing the FedEx guy in his truck coming up behind me. I was not in his lane so he did not have to honk or anything. He just drove past me, looking to see if he needed to call 911. And probably laughing to himself and will later go home and either tell his wife or write it in his dairy. So here's to you FedEx guy, I beat you to it!!

FRUSTRATION, CONFUSION, REGRET, ANGUISH, VENTING

Have you ever had one of those days that seem to repeat it's self no matter where you have moved or no matter how you have changed your reaction to it? While we lived in Gooding, (four years) church was never a place that I enjoyed. It always seemed to drain me more than fill me and I must admit it was quite hard for me to make myself get up each Sunday and go. Knowing that it would take from me. I needed to be filled, not sucked dry. So as we prepared to move to another town, in another state and time zone, I was excited to be in a ward that would hopefully be as the other wards I have been in. At first it was. But there was always little comments that I tried to brush off as me just trying to get use to another change. And as we ALL know, Angie does not do well with change. But the more I ponder on things, I am impressed with the thought that maybe the Lord has put me here because of the mannerisms that I have tried so hard the past 3 years to control. One of the comments we (my family) have heard repeatedly at church is that it is nice to finally have someone in Huntington to flush out the members in this town and that Huntington is a place where members of the church go to hide. At first I wanted to pack our stuff again, (and you "should" know just how horrible that would be for me after doing it twice in one month) and moving to Weiser or Fruitland. But it did not seem right. So after spending time on my knees and asking the Lord if we are here to "flush". All the old mannerisms keep pushing to get out, tell them to come to you!!! The more I struggled with it, the worse I felt. Until the day in church that I got my list of the sisters I am to visit teach. Let me just stop right there for a moment and tell you just how much I love to visit teach. It feeds my snoopyness to be able to go right into someone's home and sit and watch them with their children and their husbands as they come into the house un-aware that ladies from their ward are there. It helped to make me realize just how alike we all are. Even though I have not had visiting teachers in my home in 4 years is beside the point and I finally got my point across just as we were leaving Gooding and I was pretty proud of myself that I was not mean or rude in my doing so. So as I was handed my list, with excitement to meet my partener and get started, I let my moment to get my point across slip away. You see I live 35 min. away from the church and most of the active members in my ward. So the challenge of going into homes that had less active sisters was not what made me intake my breath and raise my eyebrows. It was that I am my own visiting teacher. Almost like being my own Grandpa I guess. I was not able to speak at first, I guess not knowing what to say. Do I stink? Am I THAT ugly? Did my old ward send a letter? Why in a ward of many sisters of my age, was I called to be my own visiting teacher? Why had the Lord asked us to drive to church each week so far but the sisters in my ward not asked to go the same extra mile to me? So I have something new to ponder and set in that wrinkle on my forehead with. My partener is as active as her husband's job and her six kids all under the age of 8 or 9 will allow her. She is a wonderful lady and I like her alot. The sisters on my list are all very friendly. One sister I added to the list with the surprise of the Relief Society Pres. because she lives SO far out there. So does that mean she does not get the blessing of visiting teachers? Does that mean that she just has to go without and made to feel isolated? And then it hits me, almost knocking me off my chair! No it was not Dylan trying to give me a hug. It was the realization that I was not suppose to "flush" anyone out. I think I am suppose to use the mannerisms that I was born with! My bluntness! My ability to stand up and say things that most people are afraid to! Just if only I can do it in a way that does not make them feel like I am attacking them! Maybe the members of Huntington do not come here to hide! That has not made sense to me since the first time I heard the bishop say it. Maybe they move to Huntington and start going to church and are made to feel isolated by the members of the ward! So today I started paying more attention to the way the memebers act towards me. I did nail one of them without really meaning to but I think it got some of them thinking. One of the Relief Society Presidence asked me today if I was a visiter. Mind you this is the same sister that I have had a conversation with in the halls many moons ago. So I said to her in my unmistakably, loud enough to be heard by more than the person I am speaking to, Madson voice that I have been in this ward since June, I just live in Huntington where no one comes to visit me. Her mouth dropped open, (she needs to go back to the denist, I think one of her caps is loose.) and she started stammering something about how busy she has been. To which I replied, most people are to busy to come to Huntington. She promptly moved away from me, I am becoming mean again? The sister that was sitting in front of me, (she remembers me) turned to me and asked me how I liked in Huntington. I told her that it is beautiful here and the people are so amazingly nice. (I just did not tell her how lazy they are) To which she replied that every time she even thinks about going to Huntington, and then she shivered with disgust. I told her that she needs to come and see for herself. She stopped talking to me as well. Is that why when sisters ask where I am from, with their hand on my arm and their warmest smile and I say Huntington, they pull their hand away from me and the smile ends? Most of them do not even know how to get here! It is amazingly hard to find! I mean with ALL those signs and everything it is no wonder they don't know! So I am here in an amazing place that the Lord has made with deer that walk all through the town day and night with no fear of dogs or humans and mountains that look like they are the sleeping dogs of gaints and if you watch them close enough you can see them breathing and not one of the members of my new ward will come here. Sister Knapp, the Relief Society Pres and one of her counselers wanted to come visit me during homecoming week. Which was of course one of the busyest weeks for the Principle and his wife. But I was still in the frame of mind that they wanted me to "flush" people out of this town and they would love an opportunity to meet with them. So I told this sister that I would not be home for most of the week but that the town was having a BBQ at the school and everyone was invited to come and eat. I asked them to come and bring their kids with them, knowing there is no school on Fridays even in Ontario. At that this sweet sister hesitated and told me that she would have to check with Sis. Knapp on that one. I was stupid enough to take that and not realize just what she was saying. We have moved from one ward that hated you because you were not rich and just because they could to a ward that likes you until you tell them where you live and then they don't like you because they don't know. I missed another opportunity after church. The 1st Counselor in the bishopric came to tell me and Eric that without asking his parents permission, they not only asked D'Kota to be the 2nd counselor in the teachers but they had already set him apart, again without enough asking his parents to be there when it happened and then had the guts to turn to me and ask me how many more seminary students I had gotten. I feel like I have tried to control the wrong mannerisms because I was speechless! I feel I was suppose to use that one and let him in one the fact that I was NOT going to be "flushing" members out of Huntington, I WAS going to lighting a fire under the members in this town to get to Huntington! Just what does it take to start your own branch anyway?

Just a small one

Just a small blog while dinner is cooking;

Advice from a Tree

Stand Tall and Proud

Sink Your Roots into the Earth

Be Content with Your Natural Beauty

Drink Plenty of Water

Enjoy the View!

This one (up there) inspired my next blog that I hope to get to tomorrow and pics from our weekend.

Advice from a Whale

Make a Splash!

Move with Grace and Beauty

Explore the Depths of Your True Nature

Think Big

Keep a Song in Your Heart

Remember to Come Up for Air

No Blubbering!

Both of those I got this weekend while we were on the Oregon Coast, amazing! They are bookmarks and they are both from Ilan Shamin. Wonderful!!

Freak Flag

Before I explain this picture, I want to tell you about a man that lives here in Huntington. He sits on his front steps and watches the people and deer go by. Yes I know, in a small town like this one there can't be that many people going by. Every time I go by, I wave at him and he always waves back. Now I was taught as a child to always wave at people, it's just a nice thing to do. But in the last town I was in, no one waved back. It at first made me angry but then it became a game for me. To see just how obvious I could be that I was waving at any one and see if they would wave back. Sadly not many did. But in this small town, you wave and they will even stop what they are doing to make sure you see them wave back. Loving it here. So every time I wave at this man, he waves back. To me this man looks like he should have a miner's pan in front of him. He has the face, the beard and the clothing for it. I don't ever see him any where else in town, just always sitting on his front steps. Because I am a snoopy person, I asked Eric to find out who he is. This is what the town thinks of him. Nice man but weird. His name is Charley, but they call him crazy eyes Charley. His eyes do not do the things that most people's eyes do. You can never really tell just where he is looking. The say he is weird because he is Bi-Polar. Now being someone that the wonderful, PRACTICING Dr.'s have tried to give that same title makes me wonder. Just who is the weird one here? The Dr tried to put me in that boat, where the others would not let me row, something about not being able to keep up. Because of my mood swings. I was told by the psychiatrist that I later saw that every one in there own way was bi-polar. Some how it didn't really make me feel better. Granted I was in the depressed boat at the time where NO ONE rows. The oars fell out while everyone was asleep and every one took it as a sign that there was no hope and so we all just sat there in the boat and cried. See some of you might think that was sad, where others of you might think that was funny. Which one of those reactions makes you weird? So as I see this man and listen to the things people say about him, I wonder just what does he think is weird? If I had any memory of my time as being weird (just play along like I am not still weird OK? jeez!) what did I think was weird? The way a parent can be yelling at their child and then answer the phone in a sweet voice as if they hadn't been yelling at the top of their lungs less than a second ago? I still think of that one as a little weird and I do it myself. Or maybe how you pass someone in the store and they are looking at something on the self but you can tell by the way they are looking that they really are not LOOKING at what their face is pointed at. Maybe this things are not weird to you. So which one of us is weird? Now I will explain the photo to you. As some of you know, I have some rare form of mucus in my face known as allergies. Did not know I had this until moving up to the mountains where everything is much drier than I am use to. And I thought Gooding was desert and dry (even the people in Gooding are dry, giggle giggle). So I am on an allergy pill that for your shock and amazement, does not make me dopey. The cough syrup with codeine on the other hand does, good stuff I tell ya. The pills loosen the mucus and makes it drip out of my nose. Not a blow your nose and get most of it out kind of drip. No the little bit at a time kind that gives you false security to go out into public without your hankie tucked into your bra always ready to wipe. So as you wander around you begin to feel that little tickle of the mucus rolling down the inside of your nose and then just hanging on to the outside of your nostril like that sweat bead in the first Mission Impossible. You hope with everything you have that no one can see it, but you can not contain yourself and you wipe with your hand ( remember there is nothing in your bra but a lump of fat, no hankie for you) and for some odd reason this sends the signal to all the other little drops of mucus to come forth and roll down your nose. At this moment in time you know your in trouble. People are going to know that you are weird now because you keep wiping at your nose with your hand and then out of pure desperation, you wipe your hand on your pants. You know that these people are wondering just how old you are. No one but a child does that. And you think, at least I did not lick my upper lip to get it off, but it is too late. You are thought of as weird. So once in the car, you search for something to blow your nose on and can only find an old napkin from McDonald's stuffed between the seats. But at this point you just don't care and you blow. Only to discover that it was only little drops and nothing major comes out. This only helps the frustration grow and you shove the napkin into your nose like so (look at the picture, it is worth a thousand words). At which point you drive home, not caring who sees you. Enter stage left, the man on his porch. And out of pure habit and enjoyment, you wave at him. He looks at you and waves back. At which point I wonder, does he think I am weird?

Over flowing

My heart is full this morning and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because I am hurting down my spine and into my hips and have sense yesterday. I am grateful that I can feel. And I do not mean just physically. It has been a while but I am still so grateful that I can feel things. And if it was not for pain I would not know the joy of pleasure. Thank you Eve. First of all I want to thank my Father in Heaven for the color of dirt. Yes I know you must all think I have gone crazy again, but go look at it. It amazes me! Something that we all think is so plain but if you take a moment and really look at it, it is amazingly beautiful. The color of green and what it can do. The warmth of my husband's hands and the soft hair on his arms. (Sorry Eric but I love these things) The feel of the hair on Rufus' head and the gentle warmth of his breathe on my arm as I type this. I am thankful for the color of my two son's eyes and that they look so much like their Dad's but they have their own color at the same time. I am thankful for my crazy mind and how it works. That I can cry at the sight of two dead birds on my porch and the first thought into my head is that one died from slamming into the window (very sure about that one, geross!) and that from the look of the other one that it was it's mate and didn't want to leave the other one so it died as well. It looked like it was waiting for it to get up. Which in turn makes me grateful that I come from a long line of eternal marriages. For the love my parents still have for each other and that after 40 years of marriage they still hold hands and I know that on Saturday nights they are most likely going out to eat or to a movie with each other even thou the house is empty. For a grandmother that had a locket with my grandfather's picture in it even thou she had remarried two times and for the strong feeling I get that she is with him now. For another set of grandparents (I love how they are called a set because they are) who lived for each other and when one died, the other tried but just could not go on without him. I know how she feels. I am grateful that I have a husband that thanks me for being his wife even thou it was my face that told him I think about killing his children. How does a person continue to come home to a face like that and tell them that they are beautiful and that they love them? I know how far Eric will go for me. Because he is still here with me. I feel a little ashamed each time he tells me thank you for being his wife because of the things I have put him through. How does he look at me with that much love in his eyes when it is the face that hurt him so much? How could I not be grateful and unable to repay him for sticking by me and somehow knowing it was not me? I still have the same face and voice, do I not? What does he see that I do not? I am grateful for two healthy boys. I see so many children who were not born healthy and I thank my Father in Heaven for not thinking I am strong enough for that. I know that my Father know ME. Because he gave me boys that give me what I need to go on. One that eats like he doesn't even taste the food and it makes me want to cry with joy to see that. Another who is telling me that this is the best food he has ever tasted even thou he has had that same meal several times. I am grateful for the sound of the phone ringing and my heart telling me it is my mother when I have had a hard day and just needed to hear her voice. Grateful that my Father in Heaven made it possible for Eric to find a job that is on my father's way. Knowing that he passes by me twice a day and I only need to be there when he passes to get what I need. I am grateful for the joy in my heart to be able to scare the people of Huntington with my screams and cry of joy for Chavonne and her baby girls. (I did not control myself Chavonne and now my cat looks at me funny) And for the urge to cry with Wendy (even thou she will not admit it) on Ty's first day of school. And to feel the yearning for another baby with Amy even thou she is SO far from me (no mother I do not want another baby, I only know how it feels) and the feeling quickens every time I think about her. I do not know how else to say it except that I am grateful for the ability to feel. Eric tells me that that is one of the reasons he loves me. My ability to feel so much for others and that that is what sometimes gets me into trouble. But I am glad that I feel so much. That when I see someone in pain, I feel it in my chest and it hurts me too. I am grateful for a Savior who feels that for me. I am amazed to think of how a messed up, sinful, imperfect person like me can feel the pain of someone I don't know so strongly. Then what does Christ feel when I am in pain? Someone who knows me better than I know myself. It makes me wonder why he thinks I am worth it and does he know just how grateful I am that he does anyway. Will I ever be able to thank him enough or show enough gratitude for what he has done for me? I hope to never stop trying. And for now I must stop because I can barely see the computer screen for the tears and I have to go get something to keep the birds from hitting my windows (can't take another dead couple on my porch) and get food for the vacuum and the critic (who thinks my cooking is delicious!). Now none of you can ever say I have not told you how I feel. :)

School Days! School Days!

I feel I must get something off my chest. Today something happened that I am not sure I can handle without the support of all of you. My kids went back to school today. :0 What to do with my self? (te he he!) With all of them gone most of the day and me here at home to listen to the quiet of this house. What a wonderful noise!!!! OK. I was not here the whole time. I volunteer at the school in the morning. I get to play with Pre-schoolers from about 8 until 10 and then I get to go to the library until noon. I get to wear my beaded glasses necklace. You know the ones that you see librarians wear to hold their glasses while they are not on their faces. I bought a pair when I was in Colorado. They are nice ones. Very excited about that! I checked books out to some one today and gave about 6 other new kids their library cards. I am helping open the world of books to kids. Maybe one of them will find a book in this library that will inspire them to go to college and get an amazing education in something that will one day solve one of the worlds most horrible problems. Like curing cancer or the common cold or ending world hunger or fingering out how to not get the hangers at the stores all hooked on everything around it. And all of that could happen because one lady who now has all this time to volunteer her time and loveliness to the wonderful children of the world so that they feel like they can walk proudly into a library and ask for a library card that will open the world to them and open their little minds until they fix this world. Yes, I am a very humble person and I feel that if it was not for me, these children just might be lost and confused. No, Eric being the Superintend is not going to have the effect on them as me being in the library or Pre-School room but it just might help. I mean if it was not for Eric getting this job, I would not have been brought here to help these children. Just like my job at the gym, right? Well for now we will just have to wait it out and see just how my being here makes their lives SSOOOO much better. I will let you all know as this year progress and the lives of the lucky children that have the bright light of my Angieness to shine on them. Aren't you just excited and a little jealous of these children? I know I am.

I was sitting and checking my email and something caught my eye. It was Teri and the twins walking in front of the house. (Teri is the momma deer and her twin fawns, Candy and Dandy) That made me remember that I had promised all of you the pictures I took during that last rain storm we had. The thunder and lightening were right together. Scared me a little bit. In the first picture to the left you don't really see the rain too much but the one just below with Teri and the twins you can see it a little bit. That is why the picture looks a little blurry. The pictures after that are of all of them together. Teri and her two and Sally and Tippy, her little one. Hey, if I named my plants why would I not name the deer?

This one is the result of D'Kota holding the umbrella and me having my finger ready on the button. FUN!!!!!!

Just for fun

I say just for fun we all look back at the pictures of where my family and I USE to live and then look at the pictures of where we live now? OK? And later we will all discuss it. Deal? OK! Let's all met here tomorrow and say what we feel or our thoughts. See ya tomorrow. O wait! Tomorrow is Friday! I was informed this morning that today is Thursday, not Wednesday. This stay at home Mom thing I am still getting use to. I do not have a calendar in front of me now so some how I must figure out what day it is all by my little lonesome. Any ideas?

One of these days I will remember to add the pictures backwards so you see them in the order that I took them. This is the BACK of my house. Eric and I's bathroom. You can see the library in this picture, it is to the left. And the soaker tub that Dylan insists is an indoor pool. And the view outside our bedroom onto the back patio. Yes that is a Hot tub to your right.

Here we see in the picture to our right, Dylan's room and the fact that the boy has moved right in and made a mess of it. The picture below is the hall way. The first door on our right is Dylan's room, next door is D'Kota's room (I did not take pics in there, there is a sleeping bear in there. It looks just like Dylan's room only clean. OK, I just lied there.) Next door is the linen closet and then the door to the masters' bedroom (me) and then the door into the boys' bathroom.

The boys' bathroom with the door to the left leading into the mud or laundry room. The laundry room has a closet and a door that leads outside to the side deck.

Down below is the hall way from the kitchen and to the right is the view from the front door into the house. Living room to the right and kitchen to the left.

View from in front of the fireplace to the front porch, yes those are ceiling fans on the porch and look at Todd! He is SO happy there. And look! You can see my kitchen table over in the corner!!

Here is my living room. Eric had to have his flat screen above the fireplace. I agree it does look really nice there. That door is a closet and the other door leads out side to the other side deck over looking trees and the town. The computer to the right where it should be, in the living room.

And my kitchen. Complete with a dishwasher and cupboards to fill with all the things I have. Even a junk drawer!!! What you don't see is the island in the middle of the kitchen. (I didn't want to make you all cry)

The view of the front of my house. With the almost complete wrap around porch and the garage with a game room and two little bedrooms out there as well as a half bath. Perfect for teaching Seminary in. And if you look close, you will see the cute little black trailer that we just bought! The guy who owns it just doesn't know we bought it yet. He will get his check here pretty quickly tho so don't tell him OK? And that is all for now. I will post the pictures of the deer just outside my front door and the lightening from the other day. But for now, I must go sit on my front porch and smell the rain. It is SO amazing up here!

Driver's Test

I am 21, ok, 35 and am about to take a driver's test in the morning. It has been, to put it lightly, 20 years since I have taken that test. Do I remember anything? How many car lengths do I have to be to be at a save distance from a car? 14? What is the speed limit in a school zone? Is it different if they are High Schoolers or Elem. kids? Te He He! And just what are those pretty lights hanging from that pole for anyway? Eric has been studying at work for the past week (like he has anything else to do, right?) and just decides to bring home the book and I mean BOOK for me. I know, I know! It's on the internet. But I just got my internet back yesterday! Or was it the day before? O boy, I am in so much trouble! I can't even remember what I did yesterday let alone what is on that test I took 20 years ago! Has anything changed that I don't know about? This is Oregon too! I took that test in Idaho! I guess if I don't pass, Eric can drive me around right? And soon D'Kota will be getting his license and he can drive his poor forgetful mother around. Wendy? Will you come and get me and take me places? What about you Mom? Dad? There may be times that I will need a ride into Ontario. If I am at the exit on time, you will take me? Amy, what about you? Will you be there for me too? I guess all I can hope for now is that my memory will come back while I sleep. I am too old to stay up late studying! And I still have to pack for tomorrow! At least I remembered to do laundry and get the white T-shirts for the reunion. Chavonne was there anything else I need to remember to bring? I hope not cuz now that I am worried about this driving test, there is no more room in my head for anything else. I'm too old for this!

I finally feel like myself again!

Before I down load pictures of the new place, I feel the need to vent. There is a word that most of you know I do not like. This past week I have heard a lot of it and now I must climb the ladder to my soap box and scream how I feel about this word to all who will listen, and those within hearing distance of my Madson lungs. For some of you this will not come as a surprise, but the word I would like to discuss is "should". Just what does this word mean to you? I googled it of course and this is what I came up with.

Should

We use 'should' for giving advice.

You should speak to him about it.
He should see a doctor.
We should ask a lawyer.

We use 'should' to give an opinion or a recommendation.

He should resign now.
We should invest more in Asia.
They should do something about this terrible train service.

'Should' expresses a personal opinion and is much weaker and more personal than 'must' or 'have to'. It is often introduced by ' I think'.

I think they should replace him.
I don't think they should keep the contract.
Do you think we should tell her.

I do not see any where that says we can use, or "should" use this word as follows;

My keys should be there.

This should work.

This should take care of your problem.

For those of you who knew Mrs. Davis, you know she would be ASHAMED of our use of this word. That is NOT the proper use of this word. If any of you disagree with me, please let me know so that I can straighten you out. I have heard this word from too many people this week and my family now thinks it is a joke to use around Mom because that vein on the side of her head pokes out and her left eye starts to twitch. Very funny! Because of the use of this wonderful word (if used in the correct text) I had to reim someone for using it. You are right! I HAVE been trying not to be that mean person from my past, but I could not help myself this time! It was out of my control to use their words against them! It was as if they were begging me to say these things! OK, I will tell you the story, but remember how I hate to tell stories! ;) We moved our cable T.V. to our new house (I "shouldn't" use the words new house because THAT other place was not a house and no matter how hard I tryed I could not make it a home either.) and had to have their tech come out and take care of it. He spent 5 hours here and when he left, nothing was working but the cable companies ability to bill me. So I calmly got on the phone and called them. (OK, try to image me doing this calmly. It helps the story.) I got to the person who could help me, notice I did not use the word should? And then proceeded to let them in on my disgust with what was happening at my home. I also let them in on the thoughts that were crossing my mind of sending back their reciever boxes and letting them go on their way without my money. (Yes I know, try it again. Close your eyes and play along with me ok?) See we have not been with them a month (momfff) yet and could end my contract at any time within that 30 days. I got the feeling that they could see that on their computers as I was telling them this so they promptly started to use the word in the most incorrect way possible and told me that what they were going to do "should" fix the problem. So I nicely told them (this time you do not have to try, I tried a friends suggestion of giving someone enough rope to hang themselves and be quiet and wait for the right time to pull on the rope.) should was not a word that was appropiate for this and I wanted them to tell me that it would or would not fix the problem. Not "should". Just say what you mean, don't try to butter me up and get my hopes up! It either will or will not fix the problem! Dang it! Sorry, potty mouth. This fine young gentleman then proceeded to tell me that he was sorry. By this time I was completely out of control and told him that I agreed, he was sorry. Opps again! After he discovered that he could not fix my problem, (see how that word would only make someone now in this situtation more angry? "This should fix the problem that you are already a little irritated about." And then does not, making them more than a little irritated later.) he made another mistake and asked me if he had taken care of the reason I called Dish today (my guess this is something they have to ask every caller, their mistake, not mine) of course the answer was wrong to which he asked how he could further help me. Ignorant little peasant, does he not smell that? That is the smell of sarcasm rearing it's ugly head. I told him that he could give me back the 5 hours that was wasted having someone in my home that did nothing but bother all of us. And that he could give me back the money I was spenting on something that I could not use and he could explain to Dylan why he could STILL not watch cartoons. (We all know how much fun it is to explain anything to a six year old, specially Dylan.) This young man that was now shown the light of who he was dealing with, told me that he was not authorized to do that so. I asked him to get me to the person who was authorized to do that. Apparently this department talks only a little to each other so this young woman who I was transfered to knew what was going on and gave me a credit on my account of $140.00 and then stepped in it. Telling me that she was sorry for what was happening to me, to which I told her that she "should" be. I know straight to hell for that one. And I thought that it was over until she asked me if she had taken care of the problem I had called about. I know, I know! I did control it enough to only say to her that I did not know how she wanted me to answer that since I still had to experience the day I had because of their tech and I still did not have any T.V. stations. She was not a fast learner because she said she was sorry again, .... yes I did. After that she started to ask me again the guestion about whether or not she had helped me but stopped herself and then told me that she hoped I have a nice evening. I let that one go and ended the phone call. Yes I also have a thing about using the term "I'm sorry" at the wrong time as well. But that one I blame on therapy. Other than that, my life could not be any better. We have Allie back (a story for another day, I can only be on this soap box for so long before my nose starts to bleed. It's high up here!) and the T.V. and internet is restored and we are all moved in and going on about life as normal (well as normal as my family getts). We are gearing up for the family reunion this weekend. I am not thinking about the fact that the trooper is still not fixed, I will think about that Thursday night or Friday morning. No, can't think about it Friday morning. I have to go to the DMV and take the driving test again to get my Oregon license. Our insurance company gave us 30 days to get them or else!!! That and Eric had to renew his on his 37th birthday, which is this weekend. I know! Such a young woman being married to an old man!! I am only 21 you know, right Jan? ;) Catch you all later!

YIPPEEEE!!!!!!!

ERIC JUST CAME HOME FOR LUNCH AND TOLD ME THAT HIS SECRETARY DOES NOT WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE EMPTY UNTIL OCTOBER AND SAID WE CAN MOVE IN AND NOT PAY RENT UNTIL OCTOBER IF WE FINISH WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO THE HOUSE!!!!!!! THE ONLY THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE IS HANG SOME SHEET ROCK AND THE TOUCH UP PAINTING!!!!!! WE WILL START THAT TONIGHT!!! AND WILL HOPEFULLY MOVE THIS WEEKEND!!!! NO MORE NIGHTMARE FOR ME!!!!!! Only bad thing is I just finished steaming the masterbathroom floor and now it is only in vain. And I made all of you feel so bad for me because of the place I have had to live for the last 3 weeks and two days. I will post pictures of the house later, but for now, I must get all the boxes from the shed/big house and start packing. YIPPEEEE!!!!!!!!!! ;)

Dylan on the front porch of where we are living. It is not my camera that is leaning, (look at trees behind the house) it is the house itself.

The scarest cat alive!!!! He will rub on your leg, bite your ankle and torment the birds in the trees!!

Here we have the kitchen window, the boys' bathroom window and Dylan's window. On the other side of the tree is the dorm for the exchange students. We share a wall with them.

On this side we have the window in the laundry area, the window into the master bathroom and the last two windows are into the master bedroom.

The little blue door on the bottom right side goes under the house and is where Teddy hides and stuffs himself on mice.

The only bird left that trys to attach Teddy. Teddy took care of one and D'Kota, with the help of Dylan's bee bee gun, took care of the other one. D'Kota is a pretty good shot! Stupid bird still will not give up.

D'Kota's back room. Just above his dresser is the window into the dorms. Yes, you can see right into one of the dorm rooms.

D'Kota's first room. You can see the door into his dressing area.

One of the useless cupboards in the kitchen. It is not wide enough for anything but cleaning supplies and mice tracks. You can see the mouse trap and the steel wool to help keep them out. That peanut butter is for mice only and that is why it is down there. You can also see to the left bottom the entry way into the next picture. I could not reach very far to clean into the pit.

This is the pit. My camera didn't even want to go into this spot. You can see just how far my arms would reach to scrub to clean it. The cupboard under the sink made this look like it belongs in the Temple.

Where the boys do dishes. One at a time because there is no room for them to stand next to each other and do dishes. And under the sink.

The amazingly clean under the kitchen sink. Yes that is more steel wool and another mouse trap.

The dirty that would not have made me gag if it was under the kichen sink.

Under the kitchen sink now. D'Kota told me that I should have taken a picture of what it looked like before I cleaned it, but I really do not want pictures of that. They will be in my memory forever. To the left of this picture was a shelf of some sort ( and of no real purpose) that only covered the mice nests. I think I scared the cable T.V. guys that day. They were here installing the T.V. Dish and I was screaming and cursing up a storm removing that shelf and vaccuuming, steaming, and bleach scrubbing under there. But look at it now!! :) Wow!

A look at the master bedroom. That is my closet (that is not attached to the floor at all!) And a little linen closet. There was mice tracks on the top of the closet as well as all over inside the closet and every shelf inside the linen closet was covered as well. You can also see some things I don't know where to put. And two bags of clothes that do not fit (the closet, not me) so off to the thrift store they go.

Yes I know, another one.

The view walking into the master bedroom. To the left is Eric's closet that, you guessed it, is not attached to the floor. And another container with stuff that I don't know where to put.

The only place to put the computer which I hate!! I want it in the frontroom where everyone can see it. And yes these pictures are back wards. Just pretend you are walking backwards and everything is fine.

The master bathroom. Don't you just love how you can see the pipes for the shower? Wendy said that is a wonderful place for them just in case you need something to grab onto if you need some support in the bathroom. "WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR!!!" Silly Wendy! Those pipes are hot when someone is taking a shower!

The view from the door into the master bedroom. The bathroom to the left and the computer to the right. The furnace (one of them) and Eric's closet. And yes more stuff that does not have a place in this house.

Another view of the grand entrance into the master bedroom.

The front room. The kitchen to the left. The master bedroom straight ahead. Another furnace to the left. Just behind me to my right is D'Kota's bedroom. Behind me to my left is the boys' bathroom and then Dylan's bedroom. To the bottom right of this picture, you can see my kitchen table. You can't? O, that's right! I mean the T.V. trays we eat on because this place is not big enough for my kitchen table. Or any kitchen table for that matter.

The boys' bathroom. It was painted the same as the master bath but Eric could not take it anymore and painted it yellow to match the shower curtain yesterday.

Dylan's room. It is amazingly not dirty. It is just so small that it looks dirty all the time. To the left is his closet that is also stuffed full of things and you can see that the piles are leaking out of the closet in the form of rubbermaid containers. He can't even lay his rug out all the way, there is no room.

Here we have the view from in front of the T.V. . The back door to the left, the door to D'Kota's room and the door to Dylan's room. To the right just after the furnance is the boys' bathroom. That is Rufus on the floor there.

See how big this room is? I am standing in the kitchen.

The tiny walk way between the couch and the T.V. stand.

My laundry space. Nice huh?

The front door can not be opened when I am doing laundry. Of course I can not open my dryer door all the way either.

The view of the kitchen from the living room. They had the fridge where the white shelfing is at first. So you felt like you had just walking into a tunnel when you first came in the house. And yes, everything is leaning to the left. Everything falls off the top of the fridge and I have no room for my food storage. I have done only little shopping sense moving here. I do not know where to put it when I do.

Right now it is all on the white shelves to my left and on top of the fridge and inside the microwave stand with all the things that already belong in there.

Another view, I think I sneezed and took this one at the same time. Sorry.

The stove that I had therapy with (and I scared the poop out of it, didn't I Mom? OK, it was mouse poop. But there was A LOT of it. And I scared about 90% of it out) and the cupboards that I pulled the doors off from. The one that is left I could not get off. Some one painted over the screws that I then dicovered were stripped. OK, that was funny and I didn't even mean for it to be. Get it? Painted over, stripped? Never mind. Any who, I think it makes it look better and you can now see that even thou I am not Betty Crocker, I do not have room for all my dishes and kitchen appliances. But the stove is clean, thank you SO much Mom!!!!! To the right is the only draw in the whole kitchen. And the mice love that one. It has my silver ware in it. Yum!

At least the stained glass has a nice place to hang. Don't ya think? It is pretty nice piece. Bought it at a yard sale in Fort Collins, CO when we went to visit Ashly. I paid $7.00 for it. I know, good.

This is my saving grace here in this house. Ever sense Allie dissappeared, this big lug has helped to make all of us feel better. His name is Rufus (Rufus Dufus that is). Isn't he beautiful? He is house trained and only barks when someone is at the door and has decided that D'Kota is his. At least he is nice enough to let D'Kota share the bed. D'Kota gets whatever is left over. And he loves to go with me in the mornings for my walks. He also loves to run on the track with Dylan.

Teddy also thinks he is wonderful and is trying to convince him to lick his head like Sugar use to. Rufus has not had to desire to do so.... just yet anyway. But does like Teddy, most his food. My Father in Heaven loves me and this dog is proof. He was waiting here for us when we got here and no one in town wanted him. We are his now. Happily Ever After right?