Over flowing

My heart is full this morning and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because I am hurting down my spine and into my hips and have sense yesterday. I am grateful that I can feel. And I do not mean just physically. It has been a while but I am still so grateful that I can feel things. And if it was not for pain I would not know the joy of pleasure. Thank you Eve. First of all I want to thank my Father in Heaven for the color of dirt. Yes I know you must all think I have gone crazy again, but go look at it. It amazes me! Something that we all think is so plain but if you take a moment and really look at it, it is amazingly beautiful. The color of green and what it can do. The warmth of my husband's hands and the soft hair on his arms. (Sorry Eric but I love these things) The feel of the hair on Rufus' head and the gentle warmth of his breathe on my arm as I type this. I am thankful for the color of my two son's eyes and that they look so much like their Dad's but they have their own color at the same time. I am thankful for my crazy mind and how it works. That I can cry at the sight of two dead birds on my porch and the first thought into my head is that one died from slamming into the window (very sure about that one, geross!) and that from the look of the other one that it was it's mate and didn't want to leave the other one so it died as well. It looked like it was waiting for it to get up. Which in turn makes me grateful that I come from a long line of eternal marriages. For the love my parents still have for each other and that after 40 years of marriage they still hold hands and I know that on Saturday nights they are most likely going out to eat or to a movie with each other even thou the house is empty. For a grandmother that had a locket with my grandfather's picture in it even thou she had remarried two times and for the strong feeling I get that she is with him now. For another set of grandparents (I love how they are called a set because they are) who lived for each other and when one died, the other tried but just could not go on without him. I know how she feels. I am grateful that I have a husband that thanks me for being his wife even thou it was my face that told him I think about killing his children. How does a person continue to come home to a face like that and tell them that they are beautiful and that they love them? I know how far Eric will go for me. Because he is still here with me. I feel a little ashamed each time he tells me thank you for being his wife because of the things I have put him through. How does he look at me with that much love in his eyes when it is the face that hurt him so much? How could I not be grateful and unable to repay him for sticking by me and somehow knowing it was not me? I still have the same face and voice, do I not? What does he see that I do not? I am grateful for two healthy boys. I see so many children who were not born healthy and I thank my Father in Heaven for not thinking I am strong enough for that. I know that my Father know ME. Because he gave me boys that give me what I need to go on. One that eats like he doesn't even taste the food and it makes me want to cry with joy to see that. Another who is telling me that this is the best food he has ever tasted even thou he has had that same meal several times. I am grateful for the sound of the phone ringing and my heart telling me it is my mother when I have had a hard day and just needed to hear her voice. Grateful that my Father in Heaven made it possible for Eric to find a job that is on my father's way. Knowing that he passes by me twice a day and I only need to be there when he passes to get what I need. I am grateful for the joy in my heart to be able to scare the people of Huntington with my screams and cry of joy for Chavonne and her baby girls. (I did not control myself Chavonne and now my cat looks at me funny) And for the urge to cry with Wendy (even thou she will not admit it) on Ty's first day of school. And to feel the yearning for another baby with Amy even thou she is SO far from me (no mother I do not want another baby, I only know how it feels) and the feeling quickens every time I think about her. I do not know how else to say it except that I am grateful for the ability to feel. Eric tells me that that is one of the reasons he loves me. My ability to feel so much for others and that that is what sometimes gets me into trouble. But I am glad that I feel so much. That when I see someone in pain, I feel it in my chest and it hurts me too. I am grateful for a Savior who feels that for me. I am amazed to think of how a messed up, sinful, imperfect person like me can feel the pain of someone I don't know so strongly. Then what does Christ feel when I am in pain? Someone who knows me better than I know myself. It makes me wonder why he thinks I am worth it and does he know just how grateful I am that he does anyway. Will I ever be able to thank him enough or show enough gratitude for what he has done for me? I hope to never stop trying. And for now I must stop because I can barely see the computer screen for the tears and I have to go get something to keep the birds from hitting my windows (can't take another dead couple on my porch) and get food for the vacuum and the critic (who thinks my cooking is delicious!). Now none of you can ever say I have not told you how I feel. :)