FRUSTRATION, CONFUSION, REGRET, ANGUISH, VENTING

Have you ever had one of those days that seem to repeat it's self no matter where you have moved or no matter how you have changed your reaction to it? While we lived in Gooding, (four years) church was never a place that I enjoyed. It always seemed to drain me more than fill me and I must admit it was quite hard for me to make myself get up each Sunday and go. Knowing that it would take from me. I needed to be filled, not sucked dry. So as we prepared to move to another town, in another state and time zone, I was excited to be in a ward that would hopefully be as the other wards I have been in. At first it was. But there was always little comments that I tried to brush off as me just trying to get use to another change. And as we ALL know, Angie does not do well with change. But the more I ponder on things, I am impressed with the thought that maybe the Lord has put me here because of the mannerisms that I have tried so hard the past 3 years to control. One of the comments we (my family) have heard repeatedly at church is that it is nice to finally have someone in Huntington to flush out the members in this town and that Huntington is a place where members of the church go to hide. At first I wanted to pack our stuff again, (and you "should" know just how horrible that would be for me after doing it twice in one month) and moving to Weiser or Fruitland. But it did not seem right. So after spending time on my knees and asking the Lord if we are here to "flush". All the old mannerisms keep pushing to get out, tell them to come to you!!! The more I struggled with it, the worse I felt. Until the day in church that I got my list of the sisters I am to visit teach. Let me just stop right there for a moment and tell you just how much I love to visit teach. It feeds my snoopyness to be able to go right into someone's home and sit and watch them with their children and their husbands as they come into the house un-aware that ladies from their ward are there. It helped to make me realize just how alike we all are. Even though I have not had visiting teachers in my home in 4 years is beside the point and I finally got my point across just as we were leaving Gooding and I was pretty proud of myself that I was not mean or rude in my doing so. So as I was handed my list, with excitement to meet my partener and get started, I let my moment to get my point across slip away. You see I live 35 min. away from the church and most of the active members in my ward. So the challenge of going into homes that had less active sisters was not what made me intake my breath and raise my eyebrows. It was that I am my own visiting teacher. Almost like being my own Grandpa I guess. I was not able to speak at first, I guess not knowing what to say. Do I stink? Am I THAT ugly? Did my old ward send a letter? Why in a ward of many sisters of my age, was I called to be my own visiting teacher? Why had the Lord asked us to drive to church each week so far but the sisters in my ward not asked to go the same extra mile to me? So I have something new to ponder and set in that wrinkle on my forehead with. My partener is as active as her husband's job and her six kids all under the age of 8 or 9 will allow her. She is a wonderful lady and I like her alot. The sisters on my list are all very friendly. One sister I added to the list with the surprise of the Relief Society Pres. because she lives SO far out there. So does that mean she does not get the blessing of visiting teachers? Does that mean that she just has to go without and made to feel isolated? And then it hits me, almost knocking me off my chair! No it was not Dylan trying to give me a hug. It was the realization that I was not suppose to "flush" anyone out. I think I am suppose to use the mannerisms that I was born with! My bluntness! My ability to stand up and say things that most people are afraid to! Just if only I can do it in a way that does not make them feel like I am attacking them! Maybe the members of Huntington do not come here to hide! That has not made sense to me since the first time I heard the bishop say it. Maybe they move to Huntington and start going to church and are made to feel isolated by the members of the ward! So today I started paying more attention to the way the memebers act towards me. I did nail one of them without really meaning to but I think it got some of them thinking. One of the Relief Society Presidence asked me today if I was a visiter. Mind you this is the same sister that I have had a conversation with in the halls many moons ago. So I said to her in my unmistakably, loud enough to be heard by more than the person I am speaking to, Madson voice that I have been in this ward since June, I just live in Huntington where no one comes to visit me. Her mouth dropped open, (she needs to go back to the denist, I think one of her caps is loose.) and she started stammering something about how busy she has been. To which I replied, most people are to busy to come to Huntington. She promptly moved away from me, I am becoming mean again? The sister that was sitting in front of me, (she remembers me) turned to me and asked me how I liked in Huntington. I told her that it is beautiful here and the people are so amazingly nice. (I just did not tell her how lazy they are) To which she replied that every time she even thinks about going to Huntington, and then she shivered with disgust. I told her that she needs to come and see for herself. She stopped talking to me as well. Is that why when sisters ask where I am from, with their hand on my arm and their warmest smile and I say Huntington, they pull their hand away from me and the smile ends? Most of them do not even know how to get here! It is amazingly hard to find! I mean with ALL those signs and everything it is no wonder they don't know! So I am here in an amazing place that the Lord has made with deer that walk all through the town day and night with no fear of dogs or humans and mountains that look like they are the sleeping dogs of gaints and if you watch them close enough you can see them breathing and not one of the members of my new ward will come here. Sister Knapp, the Relief Society Pres and one of her counselers wanted to come visit me during homecoming week. Which was of course one of the busyest weeks for the Principle and his wife. But I was still in the frame of mind that they wanted me to "flush" people out of this town and they would love an opportunity to meet with them. So I told this sister that I would not be home for most of the week but that the town was having a BBQ at the school and everyone was invited to come and eat. I asked them to come and bring their kids with them, knowing there is no school on Fridays even in Ontario. At that this sweet sister hesitated and told me that she would have to check with Sis. Knapp on that one. I was stupid enough to take that and not realize just what she was saying. We have moved from one ward that hated you because you were not rich and just because they could to a ward that likes you until you tell them where you live and then they don't like you because they don't know. I missed another opportunity after church. The 1st Counselor in the bishopric came to tell me and Eric that without asking his parents permission, they not only asked D'Kota to be the 2nd counselor in the teachers but they had already set him apart, again without enough asking his parents to be there when it happened and then had the guts to turn to me and ask me how many more seminary students I had gotten. I feel like I have tried to control the wrong mannerisms because I was speechless! I feel I was suppose to use that one and let him in one the fact that I was NOT going to be "flushing" members out of Huntington, I WAS going to lighting a fire under the members in this town to get to Huntington! Just what does it take to start your own branch anyway?